Can't Help but Think of Her...

     I think about Tobi's birth mother often, but even more so this week as his birthday approaches. Does she remember his first flutters inside her womb? Did his birth bring her joy for even those first moments of his life? Did she whisper sweet promises and love in his newborn ears as he snuggled close? I do not know how long it took the doctors to declare that he indeed had Down Syndrome. Did his mother decide in that moment that she would walk out of that hospital without her sweet helpless newborn baby boy? Did she tell him goodbye? Did her heart ache for him in those first days that her body continuously reminded her of his presence on this earth?  Is she thinking about him? Is she worried about him? Does she think he is still laying in the crib at the baby house or has she somehow received word that he is now part of an American family? Does she realize that she gave up a treasure the day that she signed those papers? Does she understand all that she gave up that day? Does she hope for his future? These and so many others that I will probably never have answers to. There are so many things that I would tell her if I could. The first thing I would say is thank you. Thank you for giving him life and for giving him a chance. My mother's heart hopes beyond hope that she loves him, even if that love is buried under a rock hard callous. I pray that that deep part of her heart knows that he is daily snuggled, loved, taught, fed, cheered, and cherished. I love her son because he is my son.

I did not feel him move within me, but my heart ached for him from across the ocean.

The moment they placed him in my arms, I felt great joy and anticipation for the future. 

I whispered sweet promises and love into his little ears as he snuggled close.

I know I was given a great treasure the day I was named the mother of this amazing little boy!

 on the way to court

 later that day-our first visit with OUR SON

the nannies put this American flag shirt on him to celebrate that day with us :)

I may never know the answers to these questions. I'm not sure if Tobi will ever have questions of his own. I pray that whatever questions he has, that the one he will never have to ask is "Am I loved?" Because, my little man, you are loved beyond measure! I do not have answers to the questions of the past, but I have great hope and anticipation for the future.

Orphan Sunday

It is here again, that day each year that churches of the world are focused on orphans. Adoption and orphan care are very near and dear to our hearts, so I love that this day roles around each year. Last year, we were working hard to save 2 orphans a half a world away. This year, we dedicated those sweet boys, orphans no more! We have seen these once orphans bloom and come alive right before our eyes.

 

 I love orphan Sunday, but I often wonder why do we, as the church, need an orphan Sunday? The Bible is pretty clear about what constitutes pure religion. What does it say for the body of Christ that we can wrap it up in a pretty bow and nice words one Sunday morning a year and then go about our business as usual? Why are there still so many orphans? Why are so few in the church burdened for them?

We brought home 2, but we left behind so many more. Those faces and longing eyes will stay with me forever. While the body of Christ has moved onto the next order of business, thousands upon thousands of those children still wait. I just do not understand. We pray that God will find families for them, and I often wonder if He throws up His arms and says, "I HAVE!!!! They just refuse to see what I have done for them and act!"

 I am going to make a lot of people uncomfortable here. I hope that the cute pictures help a little bit. Church, we NEED to rise up! We need to get uncomfortable for the causes that are near to our Savior's heart! We need to quit believing the lie that we are put on this earth to be comfortable! NO WE ARE NOT! That will come for every believer in heaven, but that is not what our time here on this earth is for. We are here to be His hands and His feet. How are we doing? Right now, we are failing miserably. If we are going to call ourselves followers of Christ, then we need to make sure we are following Christ! We get so caught up in looking cute, finding the right boots and accessories for that new skirt. We get caught up in carpet colors and what songs we are gonna sing in the morning service next week. Meanwhile Jesus' heart breaks and thousands of children fade away. I feel so often that the church is a lot like the disciples who shooed the children away to tend to the "important" things. Church, we are supposed to be Jesus' hands and feet. We need to quit seeking the things of this world and BE His hands and feet. Tobi and Jojo are home and bless us beyond belief, but the orphan crisis remains. We all need to fall on our faces, repent, and ask God what we can do. Then we all need to get up and DO it. If you are waiting for a "calling" before you move, here are the very words of God. 

Psalm 82:3 "Defend the poor and fatherless: Do justice to the afflicted and the needy"

James 1:27 "Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world."

John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you."

Now, we need to heed the calling, for He has called us all, in His very own words. It is time to be His hands and His feet.

Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

Masterpiece

This masterpiece was the first one created by this masterpiece :)

As we approach the one year mark of the day we stepped onto our adoption journey, I sat back and watched this little miracle color his first picture. I remember many times along the way, looking at the little pieces of the picture I could see God creating and feeling so overwhelmed. I had no idea how anything good could come from the struggle. 

I held on to the promise that God would indeed create a masterpiece, even when I had no idea how in those hard moments and seemingly ugly lines that were visible. I had to let go and ask God for the faith to trust Him in all things.

There were many fears and many doubts over the last year. We watched as the masterpiece was drawn before us, line by line. Some looking horribly out of place, some plain ugly, some absolutely beautiful, and others yet that connected them all together, taking our breath away. As we sit on the other side, I think about the beauty that we would have missed had we decided that the picture before us needed to be balled up and thrown away. If we had not allowed God to continue on with His masterpiece, trusting Him to keep His promise to us.

He who started the work is faithful to complete it! I am so thankful that He allowed us to be a part of this. It was not always easy or pretty, but the outcome has brought us so much joy! I have learned that it is often the shadows that create depth in our relationship with Him.

We are so incredibly grateful that the beauty in our masterpiece is recognizable now. Surely not finished, but it's beauty is shining through. 

Medical Update for Josiah

We are going on 5 months home! A lot has happened in that 5 month span. One of the big changes is that we have made our local Children's hospital our home away from home. I had never walked through the doors before our guys came home. We are making up for lost time now! You may remember that Josiah spent much of his time in Ukraine in the hospital with pneumonia after pneumonia. He was hospitalized again shortly after he got home. At that point, we were connected with a whole group of specialists that promised to get to the bottom of his lung issues. We learned quickly many of the things it was NOT:) They did a swallow study shortly after that and found that he was aspirating quite a lot. His liquids were thickened and he has been healthy and growing like crazy. Along this whole time, he has been followed by ENT and audiologists. Both boys have had fluid in their ears with every test and have failed several hearing tests. After allergy meds did not fix the issue, both boys were scheduled to get ear tubes in and have their adenoids out this morning. Our ENT decided to go ahead with a bronchoscope for Josiah, even though he had already had 2 of them done in Ukraine with normal results. He felt since Josiah was already being put to sleep, that it would be a good chance to see for himself what was going on with his airway. Josiah was taken back into surgery and he did great. The surgeon came out to talk to us about an hour later and told us that the bronchoscope had indeed revealed the probable cause of Josiah's aspiration. The cause of the many many pulmonary infections from the very start. He showed us pictures he took during the test. Josiah has what is called a laryngeal cleft. It is a notch in the wall that is supposed to separate the esophagus and the trachea. This opening allows food/fluid to pass into the airway. His is bad enough to need surgical repair. So, after he is healed from today's surgery, in about 4 weeks or so, he will need to go back again. This time it is more intensive than an outpatient procedure. He will need to spend time in the hospital, possibly the ICU. This scares me so much, but I trust our specialist and I want Josiah to be healthy. Even if he were to drink nothing but thickened fluids the rest of his life, he still has reflux that threatens his health. He spits up literally some of everything he swallows. Food and liquid coming back up is as likely to get into his airway and cause damage and infection as it does going down. And so, I will once again trust God to protect this boy that has completely captured my heart in the last 6 months. I am so thankful for the amazing medical care that we have available right here in our own town. I cannot help but to imagine what even a few more months in Ukraine would have done to our Jojo's health. God's timing is indeed perfect.

We Are Family

We have been home now for over 3 months. It truly feels as though we have been family forever. Not that everyday is easy, there are SO many challenges that we deal with on a daily basis. These boys spent their whole lives outside of a family and a true home. It is a long road overcoming the trauma of abandonment and institutionalization. In all honesty, I did not understand just how effected our boys would be because they were so young when we brought them home. Both are effected very differently, and it is getting better and better. However, both have been effected. That said, there are challenges with raising kids. Parenting is messy and hard no matter how our children come to us or what their history holds. 

This is Tobi the day we met him. A sweet, laid back, baby boy. His head was unstable, his body very limp. He could not sit up unassisted. He was a sweet natured baby boy, but every smile was guarded and very hard to earn. Eye contact was nonsexist in those first days.

I fell in love with this sweetheart the moment I laid eyes on him. I had no idea what his future held, what he could accomplish. What I did know is that he was mine and that I was his.

We witnessed our little guy transform over the weeks that we were staying and visiting him during our court process in Ukraine. He got stronger, began to make eye contact and to smile without our having to break a sweat, and started to vocalize some.

We still could not see what his future held, but we started to see glimpses of the progress he would make.

Look at this sweet boy now, almost 4 months later!

He is sitting, crawling (he prefers army style!), pulling himself up on things, and cruising along furniture. The physical progress is great, but even more is the social progress he has made!

He lights up when we walk into his room! He says, "Mama" on purpose and then laughs at my excitement. He does not just smile and laugh in response to us, but he initiates interaction. He crawls to me for a hug or to show me a toy. He crawls to his siblings, looking to play. He does silly things and waits for a response (and gets so tickled once it comes). He is still the sweet, mostly laid back little man that we met. He is also very different. We've seen him blossom within our family. He has found his place and is so very very loved!

And then there is Josiah. Here he is the day we met. He was so so tiny and his body was so sick, but his spirit was so alive. He sought connection the moment we met him.

He looked in our eyes as if taking us in. It was honestly as though he knew us. He was famous in both hospitals he stayed in during our time in country. He has a personality that draws people to him. As we would walk him up and down the hallway, the other mamas would yell out his name and wave. He'd respond with his amazing smile.

He seemed to know that we were different from very early on. He was very social and very ready to connect emotionally.

His body was so tiny, but so strong. He had great muscle tone, but we were so very worried about his lungs and his heart. Shortly after we got home, he was hospitalized because of very low oxygen levels from a little virus he picked up. After a week in the hospital and many tests and specialists, we had answers and a plan. His lungs were damaged because he was aspirating his formula into his lungs. They had us thicken his formula and changed his nipples and he has been healthy now since.

He now has a healthy body that can keep up with his amazing spirit! He lights up our house! He has become a very big Mama's boy. He prefers to smile at everyone else from my arms :) He also loves his siblings and is especially close to Sam.

I honestly cannot fathom our house without our guys in it! I will not make this out to be just a bed of roses. Let me tell you, these boys are amazing but they come to us with much more baggage than most adults I have known. We love them so very much, but they have issues that cannot just be loved away. Some that will follow them for their whole lives. That said, we are in it. A family does not mean perfection. It means that you are not alone in your mess. It means that there are others that are willing to jump in the hard stuff and wrestle the hurts right along with you. It is called love. And we have a lot of it! 

Mothers Day

Today is a day to celebrate mothers. It may be selfish, but it has always been one of my favorite days of the year. This year, I am torn a bit. I am still SO grateful for my children and for the gifts they make that allow me to glance at their hearts and know they feel loved. I am so grateful to walk into the babies' room in the morning and see the 2 beaming smiles they reserve only for me. I am so thankful that this year they have a mother and are thriving with that love. I cannot help but feel blessed beyond measure. I think that is how it should be, God wants me to be thankful for the blessings He has given to me, and I am surrounded each day with more than I can count. But then, I also have had a year that has changed my heart, that has fully broken it and I am not sure it is meant to be fully fixed. I prayed at the very beginning of our adoption process that God would break my heart with what breaks His. That I would have eyes that would see the broken. And He has answered that prayer. He allowed me to fall head over heels in love with two little boys that had not just been abandoned, but had been cast away with purpose. That I could begin to repair, even if that trauma follows them, I could offer them unconditional love. God went a step further. He allowed to see faces that I would have to leave behind. To spend beautiful moments playing peek a boo with the little boy in the isolation room next to Josiah once he got out of the hospital. To see the joy this little boy got from just a few minutes of eye contact. Spending hours alone in a little room, unable to sit or stand because of severe hydrocephalous. And yet, still so alive and filled with such joy. His smile lit his whole little face by our loving him through a window. I never got to touch him, never even got to enter his room, but his eyes and his smile I pray will never leave my memory. Since coming home, I have learned that this sweet boy has many here fighting for him to get the medical care that could bring him relief. He has not been released for adoption, that is not the answer for him, along with so many others living in orphanages in Eastern Europe. But there are people working hard to change things for children with special needs there. There are people working to change the thinking of birth families and to change the conditions for the children cast away. This mother's day, I am determined to help those people to help the children that will never know the love of a mother. I will be talking a lot coming soon about THIS amazing organization that has helped and is still helping the children in our boys' orphanage and is trying to get medical treatment for this little one that so captured my heart through weeks of smiling through a window.

I think that my life has been forever changed. At least I pray it has. Not that I do not appreciate the amazing family that God has blessed me with, because I so do. But that I will never forget about the motherless hidden away in institutions. I left part of my heart in Ukraine in that orphanage, knowing there are hundreds like it spread throughout the country. My heart breaks for the ones that do not have mommies tonight. The ones that do not even know what a mama is and have never ever experienced what it feels like to be loved and cherished.

Pictures Are Worth a Thousand Words

These ones tell it all! It has been 2 weeks since we got our boys HOME!

We are settling in and finding our new normal

Our new normal could not be better!

Learning how to be brothers

Learning how to smile

and to laugh

Learning that kisses are great

Pondering all the things that have changed

And enjoying every second

Feeling (and tasting) grass for the very first time

And learning how to stand

Life is OH SO GOOD!!!!